The Difference Between Being Hard On Yourself And Holding Yourself Accountable

Some players are very hard on themselves.

After a game, they may say, “Was terrible”, I always mess up”, “I was terrible”, I can’t do anything right”, Im not good enough”.

As a parent, this can be difficult to hear.

Part of you may want to encourage them right away. Part of you may want to correct the way they are speaking about themselves. And sometimes, part of you may think, “At least they care.”

But being hard on yourself is not the same as holding yourself accountable.

There is a difference between a player who is willing to reflect and a player who is attacking themselves after every mistake.

Caring Can Look LIKe Frustration

Most players want to do well.

They want to help the team, earn minutes, want their coach to trust them, make their parents proud and feel like they belong. But when the game does not go well, those emotions can come out quickly.

A missed chance may feel bigger than it was. A mistake may stay in their head. A difficult game may feel like proof that they are not improving. In that moment, the player may not be giving a clear evaluation of their performance.

They may just be disappointed.

That disappointment can should like accountability, but it is often emotion speaking first.

Being Hard On Yourself Can Keep You Stuck

When a player says, “I was terrible”, there may be some truth that they struggled.

But that statement does not help them move forward, it only places a judgment on the performance.

Over time, this can create more pressure.

The player may start thinking too much during the game. They may become afraid to make mistakes. They may play save, avoid the ball or judge every action before the play is even over.

That is not accountability.

That is the player carrying the mistake with them.

Accountability Gives The Player Direction

Accountability is different because it leads somewhere.

It does not ignore the mistake, does not make excuses or does not pretend everything was fine. But it helps the player understand what to do next.

Instead of saying, “I was terrible,” the player can learn to say, “I struggled receiving under pressure.”

Instead of saying, “I always mess up,” they can learn to say, “I need to scan earlier before the ball arrives.”

Instead of saying, “I’m not good enough,” they can learn to say, “I need to keep improving my first touch and decision making.”

Those statements are more useful. They still recognize the problem, but they give the player a way forward.

Parents Can Help Shape The Conversation

When a player is hard on themselves, the instinct may be to say, “No, you played great.”

That comes from love.

But sometimes the player does not believe it. They may feel like their frustration is being dismissed, even when the parent is trying to help.

A better response may be to slow the conversation down.

“What made it feel that way?”

“Was it in the whole game or a few moments?”

“What is one thing you would want to do differently?”

“What is one thing you can take into training this week?”

These questions help the player move from emotion to reflection. They also help the player understand that a difficult performance does not define them. It gives them information.

High Standards NEed Clarity

There is nothing wrong with a player wanting more from themselves.

High standards can be healthy. But high standards without clarity can become frustration.

A player may keep saying, “I need to be better”, I need to work harder”, I can’t make mistakes”.

Those statements may sound serious, but they are too general to help the player improve.

The player needs something more specific.

One focus. One behavior. One action they can take into the next training session or game.

That is when accountability becomes useful.

A Final Thought

Players are allowed to be disappointed. They are allowed to care and to feel frustrated when they do not perform well.

The goal is not to remove emotion from the game. The goal is to help the player not stay trapped in it.

Being hard on yourself often ends with judgement.

Accountability ends with action.

A young player does not need to walk away from every difficult game thinking, “I’m bad.”

They need to learn how to say, “That was hard”, “I can learn from it”, “This is what I will work on next”.

Research in youth sports has shown that the way athletes experience feedback, pressure and support can shape their motivation and long term sport experience (Harwood & Knight, 2015). This is why the language around mistakes matters. Players are not only learning how to play. They are learning how to respond.

Reflection

After your child has a difficult game, does the conversation help them judge themselves or help them find the next action?

References

Harwood, C. G., & Knight, C. J. (2015). Parenting in youth sport: A position paper on parenting expertise. Psychology of Sport and Exercise, 16, 24–35. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychsport.2014.03.001